Tuesday, 4 April 2017

Questioning why? Dealing with grief and the loss of my dad.

I often find myself wondering why?
It's now been nearly 7 months since my dad passed away and I keep thinking why?

Not why did you have to die? everyone has to die at some point and a lot of people die a lot younger and in tragic accidents or through long and painful diseases. When I think about my dad leaving us by having a heart attack and suddenly going it was probably painless and quick and I suppose that is something to be grateful for. But it doesn't make the shock any easier for those left behind

I'm grateful that he didn't suffer long, I'm grateful that he very nearly made it to 70 and I'm grateful that he and my mum had many years together and found each other. Some people don't find love and many don't have families so in some ways I'm happy with the life my dad achieved.

But in other ways I am left empty and questioning why.

Why did you have to leave us before my sister had her first baby. You left us all just two months before you were to be a grandad for the first time. 

Why did you have to go on my brothers birthday? Of all the days to leave us you went whilst on holiday on your beloved boat with mum on my brothers birthday. I just wish you and mum had had your holiday and you had gone at the end of your holiday to at least give mum one last holiday with you and not have been taken away from her on the first day of your holiday together. It just seems so unfair.

We survived the first Christmas without you and it was OK. It did feel like there was something massive missing but we tried to carry on and we got the family together and our first Christmas with the new addition of my sisters baby but the first one without you and it seems so unfair.

Now I am going to be selfish and ask why you had to leave us before I got engaged. I've been with my partner for 9 years and I know you approve of him but after waiting so long he finally proposed but now I don't have you there to give me away and walk me down the isle and it makes me so sad.

To be honest, I feel sad for all of us, as all your three children are engaged to be married and you aren't there for us and that breaks my heart every day.

I know it will get easier with time and as the occasions go past we will get used to a new life without you but I will still question why you had to leave us when you did.

Miss you dad. x